racism...

...something i'm becoming more and more thoughtful and passionate about.

one of my best and dearest friends in the world is a black man. that in and of itself has indirectly exposed me to a lot of the racism of others and taught me to be careful how i think of things.

i think i felt true racism for the first time in my life earlier this year. and i may partly have felt it because i was tired and overworked, and it came upon me at times when i was mentally weak anyway. and not that i did or would ever have acted on it, but it did raise some questions in my mind. it led me to wonder whether i should consider that some cultures are superior to others. after all, the reason i felt racism against certain people was because of their culture, not really their race.

and not to say that my culture is really superior to another... that would be a dangerous thought. but i do think that if i am allowed (and encouraged) to dislike certain aspects of my own culture, then i should be allowed to also, respectfully and lovingly, dislike aspects of other cultures. this does not mean i can discriminate against a person of another culture, any more than i would discriminate against myself. but i think it is ok and good even to dislike aspecs of other cultures.

that said... more careful thought is needed.

summer in akron

i have to turn in my school laptop today... and so i've been sitting here, removing the files that i've built up over the past two semesters.

and what a weird two semesters it has been. i thought things would be different this year... i thought i would be more free, as opposed to more busy. rather i was constantly faced with choices consisting of whether i would succeed in school (and by "succeed" i mean, "pass", not exactly excel) or whether i would do all the things i would have liked, and by all accounts, probably "should" have done.

this summer i will be interning at first energy, with thier "rates and regulatory group", whatever that means (statstical cost/input forecasting, i think). it was weird, i ran into a guy i'm acquainted with at a wedding, who is a big VP at first energy... asked me what i was doing this summer and gave me a job. in praying about whether or not to take it, i realized that my choices about where i was going were simple: it is between reestablishing my akron roots and running off to somewhere else in the world. i don't know how i feel about working "a real job". i don't know how i feel about a movement towards settling down, which is what is probably expected of me, especially with my health. but i felt that God led and took me to this place and brought me suddenly through a door, and i do love akron. but i'm somewhat averse to the thought of settling down so soon. that seems like an irreversable thing, once it happens.

i look forward to life being more settled though for the summer, as opposed to my consistent near all-nighters and 7day, 5night work weeks for school.

we have not been writing
none of us
except joe...


i hope to join him in that next week, as i will be done with the craziest semester of my life on friday night.

hopefully my sanity will begin to return then... and my ability to keep up with the people i care about.

i still haven't reconciled

i am increasingly confused by the dichotomy of making people "one of our own", ie, allowing them into my inner circle of friends, and understanding the wisdom of separating from thoes who are not of the same heart.

for example

when i go to a st patty's day party tonight, actually two, where there will be drinking, some of the 'excessive' drinking may occur among people who are within an inner circle of my friends.

someone else may not choose to go to the same party because they feel that it may be 'out of control.' granted that person perhaps does not know my friends in the same way that i do, but will they only see the drinking and not the people?

or will i only see my 'love' for my friends and not what is wisest for them or for myself?

(not that i particularly struggle with the issue of drinking)

Jesus says not to be unequally yoked (whatever that might mean), and the Bible has a consistent message of fleeing from foolishness. though i'm not sure that it means to refuse to be near people who exhibit some foolishness, since Jesus was the friend of sinners to the point of being closest to the scapegoats of society...

in regards to future and faith

i think i've been acting with a measure of foolishness.

busy-ness and injury

i have been busy.

school has been busy.

also i have been injured. that has made things even more busy, as being injured has slowed me down a lot (i have broken my tailbone, a suprisingly difficult thing to recover from).
and i have been tired.

so i apologize for my lack of involvement in your life. i apologize for my lack of involvement in my own life. i would say that it will change, but i have a feeling that over the next several weeks (8ish) it won't.

that is not to say that life has been bad. that is not to say that i have stopped learning or growing. and it is not to say that i have stopped thinking of you.

i didn't count the cost of this semester very well when i came here. after this semester it should be better. i look forward to summer when i will love people and be invoved in their lives again. until then... i will love from a distance and walk down this road.

i've always believed God had plans for me in injury or sickness in the past, and so i believe now. but i have yet to see what it might be this time...

spending time

in my last entry i wrote,
"i can't give much write now" (or something alone those lines)

i spent the next few days wondering what i had meant by that in the first place, realizing it was a simple outpouring of the attitude that i did not like, but kept finding in my heart. i realized that it had been there since december... a realization that there had been things i wanted to do this semester, but am not, nor do i know how i could be.

on the other side of this, this semester is the hardest one i will go through in my program... the most time-consuming one. i do not defend my previous sentiment that i couldn't give much, but this semester does leave me tired.

but i know that sentiment was in the first place not Godly, and in the second place betrayed my incorrect focus, which should not be on something so simple as how much time i can give, but on the quality of how i spend my time.

interestingly enough, small group turned out to be on this topic tonight as well.