spending time

in my last entry i wrote,
"i can't give much write now" (or something alone those lines)

i spent the next few days wondering what i had meant by that in the first place, realizing it was a simple outpouring of the attitude that i did not like, but kept finding in my heart. i realized that it had been there since december... a realization that there had been things i wanted to do this semester, but am not, nor do i know how i could be.

on the other side of this, this semester is the hardest one i will go through in my program... the most time-consuming one. i do not defend my previous sentiment that i couldn't give much, but this semester does leave me tired.

but i know that sentiment was in the first place not Godly, and in the second place betrayed my incorrect focus, which should not be on something so simple as how much time i can give, but on the quality of how i spend my time.

interestingly enough, small group turned out to be on this topic tonight as well.

trials of being a grad student

i've grown tired of empiricially deriving the consumption function and helping people with advanced calc as opposed to, well, doing something. i spend a lot of time crunching numbers these days and reading about other people's work on the same. while numbers are useful and all, even a mathematician/economist grows tired of relying on numbers. also i get tired of listening to people talk about numbers that have very real consequences for people... without really thinking of people. it's been a while since i've had time to read about anything enjoyable or felt as though i were learning about something i cared about.

i know i need certain tools, but... the consumption function? what could be more boring.

i think it's possible that that might be enough to send me back to camp carl this summer. i can't give much during the semester, but maybe i can give my summer.